No, his name wasn't Seymour

I just came back from the dentist. I had to have a filling replaced. No big deal since I actually don’t mind going to the dentist at all but I’m not so crazy about the aftereffects.

I’m not some kind of masochist. I don’t own a leather bustier, wear a mask and carry handcuffs and a whip with me (I save that for the weekends). I don’t enjoy pain and I am the first to grunt, squeal and contort my face when the Dentist’s drill hits a nerve but there is something about knowing that my teeth are all sparkly clean and are cavity free that makes me not mind going.

The only issue I have with the dentist is that prescription, narcotic, pain inhibitors don’t really work on me. Apparently I need something along the lines of an elephant tranquilizer to numb my nerves. This problem first presented itself when I had all 4 wisdom teeth removed and was given a prescription for Percocet. I was very excited to have those legal narcotics do their job but they did NOTHING. Apparently I am one of the 1% of the population it doesn't work for. Lovely. I have all four of my Wisdom teeth taken out and all I get is Advil.

So now I have a gallon of Novocain in my jaw, the right half of my face is temporarily paralyzed, I’m drooling and I can’t enunciate even the simplest of words. I tried (“tried” being the operative word here) to put on some Blistex without the aid of a mirror but not being able to feel one’s own lips, I wound up putting it on like how Sheri Oteri’s Collette Reardon puts on lipstick. I guess drugs will do that to you.

I did however fit in just perfectly on the subway back to work; my half drooping cheek, Blistex smeared across my face, and continual drooling. Now all I can hope for is that no one sets up a conference call because I can’t speak to save my life. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go get some paper towels to clean up all the coffee I have dribbling down my chin and on to my desk. Good thing I wore black today. It just blends right in.