Monday, January 09, 2006

It's true what they say about good fences

On Saturday night I went out to a party a couple down the street were throwing. It was a neighborhood party but, as the invitation stated, “Astonishingly, we are inviting only the neighbors WE like.” Damn. Didn’t I tell you I lived in the best neighborhood? This of course raised the question of, “Who DO they like?” Well, who cares ‘cause I was one of the cool ones. Screw all the rest of the losers! It was like high school all over again except this time they made fun of me because of who I am not for what I was wearing. That’s so much better don’t you think?

The pressure is on as the Blog was mentioned. A couple already have the address but the rest didn’t. I spent a good fifteen minutes repeating “” over and over again to three very intoxicated people.* I doubt they’ll get it right but it should be interesting to hear what variations they come up with or even better, what porn sites they pull up.

*Guess what, Mister He of Many Names? You WERE intoxicated. And on WHITE ZINFANDEL nonetheless. It may as well have been a peach wine cooler. Oh the humanity. Well, now the whole Internet knows. I don’t care how much you try to deny it because the truth is that you drank that entire bottle of pink wine and there were other witnesses. And yes, we are going to make fun of you for it for a very long time no matter how much you protest. But seriously, your porch does look great and we can’t wait for your party next month. I’ll bring the Zinfandel.

One of the drawbacks of having neighbors know about this blog is that now how can I complain about them? I mean how can I write about how much I hate their fucking kids who play basketball in the street because THEY put an ILLEGAL basketball net up? Or what about when they come and play football in my front yard and tear up my lawn? I mean, how can I possibly say that the next time their kids come anywhere near my yard or bounce that basketball one more time I am going to go out there, grab the closest child and break both their legs with my bare hands? Hunh? How can I write that now?

Needless to say a great time was had by all. The red wine came out of my sweater with the help of OxyClean, a 2 hour nap on Sunday brought me back to the land of the living and I spent so much time laughing that I won’t need to do stomach crunches for at least another month. Seriously, my stomach muscles and cheeks still hurt. Next week I’ll have to start getting in shape for the next one.

Oh yes, and for the neighbors, if you go on MapQuest and get driving directions to your neighbor’s house it doesn’t come back with “dumbass” or “jackass.” It comes back with, “It appears that your START and END locations are the same. Please try modifying your location information.” Oh really? I beg to differ.


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