Merry Christmas to all...

And to all a good night!!!

I wonder where I get it from

My father just sent me this picture. He took it on Thanksgiving. It's George the Jack Russell "pre-washing" the platter we had the turkey on. That would be my great-Grandmother's silver too. Where is Lucy the Lab, you ask? Probably licking out the gravy boat.

Hmmm, I hope Christmas dinner isn't being served on that platter because I know it doesn't get put in the dishwasher...

In the spirit

Ahhh, the holidays. When the red taillights and the white headlights on cars actually seem festive instead of what they really are: traffic.

Chocolate UPDATE

OK, I have decided that we need to have a little contest for who will receive the latest enormous box of chocolates I have gotten. I have to have at least FIVE entries for the contest (tell your friends!). Here is the contest*:

Come up with a good contest idea! Be creative since whatever it is, you won't have to do it! Please leave your contest ideas in the COMMENTS section (no e-mail submissions will be accepted). Thank you for playing. I will make a decision on Christmas Day and will mail the chocolates out on December 26th.

* No family members of mine may apply, I don't care how old you are and I will pay for the shipping, honest. You will just have to trust me with an address for you. I promise not to stalk you, send the Jehovah's Witnesses your way or sign you up for the Sex Toy of the Month Club... well, I may have to rethink that one depending on who wins.

Good Luck and enter at your own risk!!

Just slap a bow on it

It’s been a really busy past few days so I’m sorry if I’m not commenting very much. Trust me, I would love to but I’m slowly losing it. Last night I did get the chance to sit on the living room floor surrounded by presents, wrapping paper and ribbon and wrapped and watched TV for awhile.

As I sat and watched my “stories” I noticed how many commercials really are only shown around the holidays. For instance, have you ever seen a Norelco shaver without Santa? How about a laser guided measuring tape advertised in April? There are the same commercials every year. It took me until yesterday to see my first Chia pet commercial though. Do you know anyone who has received a Chia Pet? After 31 years, I now want one. Their marketing group has finally beaten me down.

Then there are all the perfume adds. Those always crack me up. One I haven’t seen this year, and must admit I miss a little, is Elizabeth Taylor’s White Diamonds in which the narrator says” wHIte Diaaahhhhmonds..” in a very breathy voice (is that Dame Taylor herself?). I LOVE saying “wHIte Diaaahhhhmonds..” Last night I lifted my head to watch the tail end of a commercial for a men’s cologne called Chrome by Azzaro (and it comes with a really cheap looking gym bag so act now while supplies last!). I nearly gagged. Chrome? When I think of the smell of Chrome I think of that smell that lingers on your hands after you’ve been holding your keys or the smell of pennies. Do you know what I’m talking about? If not, go smell your change purse or house keys. It’s a gross distinctive metallic smell that does not seem appealing to me AT ALL. Maybe they should have done some more market research on that title.

I don’t quite understand perfume commercials either. I do see that it must be a challenge for an advertising firm. How does one convey a scent with images because God forbid they describe what it actually smells like. So, you have a perfume and it smells kind of fruity with a hint of vanilla? No problem, have Gwyneth Paltrow roll around in a field of flowers with a puppy, that will give the buyer an idea of what it smells like. Or, roses mixed with Bubble Gum? No problem! Have Britney stand outside a hotel room door with some young stud (not Kevin, thank GOD) and images flash thru her “brain” of them having sex, then getting engaged then married. BUT, then she takes her hand off the door knob and it’s over as quickly as that first marriage of hers. Perfect, that says Roses and bubble gum to me. Or, lemons with a hint of floral something? EASY! Just show a woman staring at herself in a wedding dress about to walk down the aisle. HUNH?!?!?

I DO understand Cologne ads. Those advertising guys know that women are the ones that buy it for their boyfriends/husbands/boytoys. Just have some hot guy with a TWELVE-pack (they don’t waste money on an actor with only a six-pack) leaping out of a pool or lounging by a pool or, hell, just standing around. It’s perfect. Women buy it and when their men wear it they just fantasize about the guy in the ad. It’s genius if you ask me. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go out and buy some Chrome. The guy in the ad is totally my type.

Can one freebase cocoa?

I am slowly dying. Today in the mail I got an ENORMOUS box of truffles from one of my clients and any day now I should be getting my One Pound of Heaven in a Gold Box from another one (he sends me Godivas every year). Now, usually this would bring me joy. I would sit in my office slowly savoring each one while trying not to drool chocolate all over myself, my desk and my chair. But this year all I can do is sit there and stare at it and curse whoever first mixed cocoa, sugar and cream together.

I can not eat sugar. Any type of sugar. It’s not because I don’t want to. Trust me, I do. I crave it like a crack whore craves her daily fix but I resist the temptation. Barely. I’m hypoglycemic and in a previous life I used to eat more cake, donuts, cupcakes and Snickers bars than the entire state of Idaho did last year. I actually think that that might be a correct statement. I have low blood sugar which unfortunately does not mean that by eating raw sugar it raises the levels. I can not eat sucrose, glucose, honey, molasses or even fructose (well, I can have fruit in small numbers and as long as it’s not super sweet). I can’t eat anything my body digests quickly or that is a stimulant; so no coffee ( I do cheat on this a bit – a girl has needs!!), white pasta , rice or ALCOHOL!!!! (OK, I can now have a glass of wine every now and then as long as it’s with a big meal.) I can eat protein, whole grains, vegetables and fat. Mmmm…. Cheeeesse…

The “side-effects” of not eating, drinking, or injecting any of these things anymore have been awful. It’s like coming off heroin (not that I would know personally but I did see the movie Traffic). The first week I actually got the shakes and raging headaches from not drinking my 8 pots of coffee a day. It was AWFUL. I wouldn’t wish my cravings on anyone. At Halloween I really looked thru the phonebookfor a Sugarholics Anonymous phone number. Does anyone know of a number?

There is only one good thing to have come out of all this; I eat better and, gulp, I hate to admit it, I actually feel better. A lot better. I have so much more energy and after 6 months the cravings are minimal. I also eat every 2 hours so I’m full all the time. I’ve also lost some weight which is great but I can’t say it’s been easy. I think I would take back on the pounds if I could eat an entire birthday cake. Or a box of Krispy Kremes, Or 6 Snickers bars. Or all the chocolate I got this Christmas.

So here I am sitting and staring at the chocolate and trying to figure out who is worthy of receiving it. Anyone?