Friday, July 28, 2006

Exposing oneself to thy neighbors

So, you know when you have plans to participate in the First Annual Neighborhood Mini Golf Tournament and you all congregate at 6:30 to decide whether the ominous clouds hanging overhead really will open up when you get to the mini golf place or not but you all go anyway because, hey, why not! and when you get there and get your balls and METAL clubs you go out on the course and at the first hole the heavens open up and you are soaked all the way thru but you keep playing anyway because really, what’s all that lightening and thunder and pouring raining REALLY going to do to you, and you’re already soaked to the bone, I mean you don’t melt, so you all keep playing and by the 4th hole you look like you jumped into a swimming pool with your clothes on and you all come to the conclusion that, I don’t know, maybe playing mini golf outside in the middle of a horrible thunder and lightening storm while carrying LIGHTENING RODS might not be the brightest idea? Yeah, and you know how white shirts aren’t exactly the best fashion choice while standing in the rain? Well, it seems that matching it with those really light weight, baby blue capri pants that APPARENTLY become see-thru when wet might not be such a good idea either.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

SPAM mail subject line of the week

Kind of a bad title since I haven't posted one of these in MONTHS but whatever....

“Your future, orange marmalade”

Huh? I don’t get it so of course I opened it and probably infected my computer with some virus but while I wait for my computer to spontaneously combust I see that they’re trying to sell me Cialis. After reading this:

"Even if you have no erectin problems SOFT CIACLIS would help you to make BETTER SEYX MORE OFTEN! and to bring unimagnable plesure to her. Just disolve half a pil under your tongue and get ready for action in 15 minutes. The tests showed that the majority of men after taking this medic ation were able to have PERFECT ERAECTION during 36 hours!VISIT US, AND GET OUR SPECIAL 70% DISCVOUNT OFER!"

Who wouldn’t want to get some?!? Forget the 70% off (we know I'm a sucker for a bargain) the spelling alone gets me hot and bothered. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to have a cigarette.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Life altering for some, routine for others

WOW. It’s been a BIG day for my family. My sister called and told me the most wonderful news. Quite honestly, I never thought she’d do it. I’ve been begging her for years. Telling her what a huge difference it will make in her life and up until now she’s never listened. She’s dismissed me and insulted me. Until now.

When she called with sheer joy in her voice I asked her what happened. She said she had BIG news. I asked if she had quit her job. She said BIGGER. I asked her if she was pregnant. Even bigger, she replied. I asked if she got divorced. She was a bit insulted but alas, no. I asked her if she was moving? Not now.

Then she told me…

She finally got her eyebrows waxed.

Now you may make fun of this or see this as a trivial act of beauty maintenance but she had some SERIOUS issues with her eyebrows. Think Brooke Shields back in her early twenties. I’ve routinely asked if I could pluck them for her or take her to get them waxed but she’s adamantly refused. I don’t know why either. She’s an inch and a half taller than me, skinnier, got the better jaw line, works out at a gym 5 days a week and has a gorgeous face but she’s always had those damned dark, bushy eyebrows. Until yesterday.

I’ve never been so proud. She’s thrilled and says her whole face looks different (and I’m sure she’s a pound lighter now too). I told her to take a picture and e-mail it to me. I can’t wait to see it but until then I need to get a tissue. I’m feeling a bit choked up.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Have you tried calling your Doctor?

I think the woman who sits around the corner from me just coughed up a lung. Seriously. She has been coughing all morning and sounds terrible. About 5 minutes ago she stopped and since I didn’t see her walk by I honestly thought that she must have coughed up one, or even both, of her lungs onto her desk and died. I actually got up and walked over to see if she was OK. I looked but there were no major organs on or around her desk so either it/they were under her desk or she just plain old stopped coughing. What WAS on her desk, however, was a carton of orange juice, a box of Kleenex and two bottles of Robitussin cough syrup.

To the coughing woman: this is why we have sick days. Please don’t come in if you sound that bad. I don’t want to catch what you have nor do I want to hear you. And I also don’t want to be so concerned for your well-being that if you actually do stop coughing I feel the need to stand up and walk over to make sure you’re not dead. Thank you.