Friday, January 13, 2006

Bathroom Etiquette #3

While walking into a public restroom please wait until you are behind your chosen, locked stall door before unbuttoning and unzipping your jeans. I realize it’s Friday and we’re all dragging a little bit but it’s not saving that much more time and if you REALLY had to go, you should have gotten up a half second sooner.

For previous Bathroom Etiquette Posts see here and here. Thank you.

Re: calcify gravyboat

That's the latest SPAM mail subject line. What the fuck does THAT mean, "calcify gravyboat"? It was, of course an e-mail offering me Viagra and Cialis at low, low prices but who the hell picked out that line?? BUT, I did open it, didn’t I? Looks like I’m the jackass now.

Update: I would like you all to know that I DID know that it was SPAM mail but I just couldn't figure out what they would be selling with that subject line.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Silence really IS golden

In a very uncharacteristic move on my part, I actually hesitated before writing this. Last night I went to the movies with a neighbor friend of mine and her friend who I'd never met before. I really liked the neighbor’s friend and I really like my neighbor too (who has this Blog address), but it’s me and I just can’t help myself.

I may have stated this before but one of my BIGGEST pet peeves is people who talk during the movies. I HATE it with a passion stronger than the feelings of hatred I have for the kids in the neighborhood whose basketball playing and yelling wake me up from my mid-afternoon naps on the weekends. OK, fine. It’s a toss up. Anyway, bottom line: I hate it when people talk during the movies.

So, we get to the theater. You see where this is going, right? I have my big ass tub of popcorn drowning in butter flavored topping in my lap, my bottle of water is on my left and I am ready for the movie to begin. As the previews start my neighbor’s friend starts talking. Not the, “Oooh, I want to see that.” But, “Oh my God, that is so funny!” Great, ha ha, OK now, be quiet……… Oh nooooooooooo, you’re not going to be one of THOSE people are you??

All thru the one hour and 37 minute running time of “Rumor Has It” (rumor didn’t get to me that it wasn’t worth my $9. I wouldn’t even rent it BUT I would recommend watching it on TBS where it will undoubtedly turn up in a couple of years – something has to replace As Good As It Gets) she talked. In fact, it was more of a running commentary, “Oh no she didn’t?!” and “He’s lying.” And “Oh my God look at her I haven’t seen her since she was in Misery. I can’t imagine her in anything but that. What’s her name?” and “That’s Randy Travis singing that song.” She also sung along to the background music, read the posters on the walls out loud, commented on clothing and proceeded to point out the obvious.

I understand a gasp or an “Oh no!” even. I also understand, and expect, that if you’re going to a G or PG rated movie that kids will talk. Ask questions even, but adults? Why can’t people just shut up? Is it that hard? Do you not understand the concept of being quiet? Is there something wrong with you and you really can’t not talk for an hour and a half? Do you think I’m blind and can’t see what is going on on a 40 foot by 25 foot screen just yards from my face?

There is a reason that little cartoon character comes on the screen before the movie starts and puts his “finger” to his lips and says, “Shhhhhhh!” before it begins. What he/she/it is trying to say is, “Shut the fuck up lest you wreak the wrath of your fellow moviegoers or the 12 year old usher with acne larger than the pieces of popcorn stuck to the soles of your shoes who may escort you from the theater.”

I really would have said something if she had been a stranger. I would have at least turned around and shot her dirty looks but I didn’t. I couldn’t. I actually really liked her and out of respect to my friend I couldn’t do it even though the words were on the tip of my tongue. Instead I will just seethe and then blog about it and now probably hurt my neighbor’s feelings should she read this. But know that it wasn’t you! You weren’t saying anything. Just please, if you ever want to go to another movie with me again, and I really hope you do, please do not bring your friend or if you want to do something with the two of us let’s just go get Chinese.

Since this week’s archive should be titled, “Facial Deformaties” let’s just add this one to the list shall we?

I just had my company ID picture taken again because my old ID had been MIA for a few days now. What is it with ID pictures?! I suddenly have Helen Hunt’s never-ending forehead and Maria Shriver’s jaw line. SCARY. I have to wear this everywhere in the building too. Good thing all I do is hide in my office and don’t interact with anyone.

Of course in comparison this does make my driver’s license photo look like it was taken by Annie Leibovitz. That isn’t so bad.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Three in one day!

Isn’t it ironic that I just took an Advil to get rid of the pain from my pain medication? My jaw hurts so badly from the Novocain shots that I can’t eat. Hell, I can’t even open my mouth. Now, some might not think that’s a bad thing (on many levels) but I am going to the movies tonight with a friend and I WILL be eating popcorn with gallons of that delicious butter flavored topping and one little filling isn’t going to ruin that for me!


Excuse me but will my dear friend please quit calling it BAREBACK Mountain instead of Brokeback Mountain (even though I think Bareback Mountain is a better title)?

No, his name wasn't Seymour

I just came back from the dentist. I had to have a filling replaced. No big deal since I actually don’t mind going to the dentist at all but I’m not so crazy about the aftereffects.

I’m not some kind of masochist. I don’t own a leather bustier, wear a mask and carry handcuffs and a whip with me (I save that for the weekends). I don’t enjoy pain and I am the first to grunt, squeal and contort my face when the Dentist’s drill hits a nerve but there is something about knowing that my teeth are all sparkly clean and are cavity free that makes me not mind going.

The only issue I have with the dentist is that prescription, narcotic, pain inhibitors don’t really work on me. Apparently I need something along the lines of an elephant tranquilizer to numb my nerves. This problem first presented itself when I had all 4 wisdom teeth removed and was given a prescription for Percocet. I was very excited to have those legal narcotics do their job but they did NOTHING. Apparently I am one of the 1% of the population it doesn't work for. Lovely. I have all four of my Wisdom teeth taken out and all I get is Advil.

So now I have a gallon of Novocain in my jaw, the right half of my face is temporarily paralyzed, I’m drooling and I can’t enunciate even the simplest of words. I tried (“tried” being the operative word here) to put on some Blistex without the aid of a mirror but not being able to feel one’s own lips, I wound up putting it on like how Sheri Oteri’s Collette Reardon puts on lipstick. I guess drugs will do that to you.

I did however fit in just perfectly on the subway back to work; my half drooping cheek, Blistex smeared across my face, and continual drooling. Now all I can hope for is that no one sets up a conference call because I can’t speak to save my life. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go get some paper towels to clean up all the coffee I have dribbling down my chin and on to my desk. Good thing I wore black today. It just blends right in.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

More ass talk

A friend called last night and we proceeded to have a very long discussion on the thong versus “regular underwear” debate (I refuse to call them “panties.” I hate that word).

Lord knows why we got on this specific topic but it started off with her having seen a girl riding her bike wearing low rise jeans and she expected to see a thong but didn’t and then assumed she just wasn’t wearing any underwear. Are kids going commando now??

Her side of the argument was that she couldn’t stand the idea of walking around with a wedgie all day and with her underwear she could remove a wedgie should she get one. My argument was that you really don’t feel like you have a wedgie with thongs and, since I expect something to be in my ass all day, I don’t feel it…...hmmm… that didn’t come out quite right did it?

I guess the difference between the two of us is that I like to know what’s up my ass all day and she just likes surprises.

Note to self: that may have been too much information since your Mother, and now neighbors, read your blog. Well, welcome to my world.

Monday, January 09, 2006

It's true what they say about good fences

On Saturday night I went out to a party a couple down the street were throwing. It was a neighborhood party but, as the invitation stated, “Astonishingly, we are inviting only the neighbors WE like.” Damn. Didn’t I tell you I lived in the best neighborhood? This of course raised the question of, “Who DO they like?” Well, who cares ‘cause I was one of the cool ones. Screw all the rest of the losers! It was like high school all over again except this time they made fun of me because of who I am not for what I was wearing. That’s so much better don’t you think?

The pressure is on as the Blog was mentioned. A couple already have the address but the rest didn’t. I spent a good fifteen minutes repeating “” over and over again to three very intoxicated people.* I doubt they’ll get it right but it should be interesting to hear what variations they come up with or even better, what porn sites they pull up.

*Guess what, Mister He of Many Names? You WERE intoxicated. And on WHITE ZINFANDEL nonetheless. It may as well have been a peach wine cooler. Oh the humanity. Well, now the whole Internet knows. I don’t care how much you try to deny it because the truth is that you drank that entire bottle of pink wine and there were other witnesses. And yes, we are going to make fun of you for it for a very long time no matter how much you protest. But seriously, your porch does look great and we can’t wait for your party next month. I’ll bring the Zinfandel.

One of the drawbacks of having neighbors know about this blog is that now how can I complain about them? I mean how can I write about how much I hate their fucking kids who play basketball in the street because THEY put an ILLEGAL basketball net up? Or what about when they come and play football in my front yard and tear up my lawn? I mean, how can I possibly say that the next time their kids come anywhere near my yard or bounce that basketball one more time I am going to go out there, grab the closest child and break both their legs with my bare hands? Hunh? How can I write that now?

Needless to say a great time was had by all. The red wine came out of my sweater with the help of OxyClean, a 2 hour nap on Sunday brought me back to the land of the living and I spent so much time laughing that I won’t need to do stomach crunches for at least another month. Seriously, my stomach muscles and cheeks still hurt. Next week I’ll have to start getting in shape for the next one.

Oh yes, and for the neighbors, if you go on MapQuest and get driving directions to your neighbor’s house it doesn’t come back with “dumbass” or “jackass.” It comes back with, “It appears that your START and END locations are the same. Please try modifying your location information.” Oh really? I beg to differ.