Easy way to make a Gazillion dollars

Sell a motivational drug. The hard part will be creating one but selling it would be easy. And no, crack cocaine isn't the answer.

I'm feeling a bit unmotivated today. It's cloudy, humid and warm out, I'm working from home, it's the day before a long, holiday weekend and our offices close at noon. Caffeine just isn't motivating me like it usually does.

Happy Memorial Day, all. And thank you to the members of the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines and Coast Guard. I may not always agree with where your bosses send you and for the reasons they send you there but I'm grateful that you are there doing your job. As we know, there's no way I could handle the job that you all have held and currently perform. Hell, I squeal when "grabbed" on the street by Train Guy. Could you imagine what this country would be like if I was in the armed forces?! HAHAHAHA!!! We're much better off with you out there. Thank you.

Oh no, no, no, after YOU!

Yep, it was Lucy the Lab’s turn last night. Let me back up a bit and give you some background: Last fall George the Jack Russell had double cataract surgery because he was only 7 and couldn’t see anything. It made it difficult to walk having a Jack Russell glued to my heel and kicking him in the chin every time I moved. Then in the winter Lucy got accidentally bitten by a dog she was playing with and needed emergency surgery. Then a couple of months ago it was George’s turn, AGAIN, when he tore a ligament in his knee and needed it repaired. Let’s see, George, Lucy, George… that means it’s Lucy’s turn for an emergency Vet appointment!

So last night at about 3:00 AM she wakes up and whimpers to go out. She never does that. OK, I drag my sorry, still slightly tipsy ass out of bed to let her out. Flip to 4:00AM. Same thing. Uh-oh, this could be bad…. Then again at 5. By then we just stayed up and I realized there’s a problem.

So what do I do? What do I do that everyone with a child, pet or general hypochondria does? That’s right I Google it. “dog, blood in urine” (sorry but I had to say what I Googled and it should be interesting to see what freaks now search for those words and get my Blog). Now my chances were pretty good that she could just have your typical run of the mill urinary tract infection (UTI) or, no wait, maybe she got bit by a rare tick down in Virginia and she has some weird variation of Lymes disease or, maybe, she got the Bird flu from hanging out at the feeders keeping the squirrels off or maybe, just maybe, the poor thing got hit by a Mack truck, ruptured her spleen, punctured a lung and now she has all kinds of crazy internal bleeding and I just blinked and missed the whole tragedy? OH GOD how did I let her get hit by a truck when she was never out of my site?!?!

Why, do you ask, am I such a pessimist? History, people, history. George didn't have a small growth on his nose, he had a tumor. He also didn’t just have minor cataracts, no, he had 95% vision loss in both eyes. Lucy didn’t just get a minor bite by her dog friend, no she had a serious tear and then weird-ass side-effects from the morphine and no, George couldn’t just sprain his knee jumping form my new Xterra, God no! He had to completely tear his cranial cruciate ligament and needed to have a new one fashioned from nylon and a couple of screws! THIS is why I thought the worst.

So, at 8 we go to the Vet and it’s a UTI. HALLELUJAH!!!! I have never walked out of the Vet a mere $85 lighter. Never. But I do have Pet Insurance. Greatest invention ever. Seriously. Do you have a pet? You need pet insurance. It has paid for itself a gabillion times over. In fact, the one thing I actually DO worry about is that since I file so many claims that they’ll think I have the pet version of Munchausen by Proxy. Does that exist? Because if so, I bet they think I have that. And for all you awful people out there thinking it, NO, I would NEVER, EVER, NEVER hurt my pets. Kicking George in the chin while walking because he stands one centimeter behind me doesn’t count.

What's wrong with me? No, don't answer that

Is it the spring weather? Was it the vacation that turned my brain to mush? It certainly isn’t for lack of material. I mean the woman in a bright red silk pantsuit that was WAY too tight on a WAY too big frame who I saw near 30th Street Station this morning is fodder enough. Then of course there was yesterday morning when I took the dogs for a walk and ran into two neighbors and chatted them up all while I had one white dot on my forehead and another on my cheek of Zit cream that I didn’t wash off from the night before. Oops. It certainly couldn’t be the fact that while in Virginia at a gas station I started yelling at the hood of my truck because I couldn’t find the second release latch thing and some guy came over and asked if my “truck gone done sumthin’ to hurt me”? How kind he was when he opened it so I could check the oil. Oh no, it can’t be that. So why am I slacking in my postings? Anyone have a question for me? I can answer a question now. Maybe…

Blue Ridge Mountain high

If you aren't going to share...

To the person in the office two down from mine:

Please close the door of your office when you are consuming a large, delicious-smelling sausage, pepper and onion pizza. I am ready to walk down there, hit you over the head with my Swingline and inhale the rest of it.

Thanks,
E