My hate mail is NOTHING

Looks like I'm not the only one to get nasty e-mails. Of course I shouldn't complain, to date I have only gotten three nasty e-mails and a handful of requests to quit "hiding" and post a picture of myself. Poor Dooce....

Some people really need a hobby

To the mean, nasty woman from OKLAHOMA who sent me an e-mail asking if I ever learned grammar in school:

NO! OK, and on top of that, BITE ME. Who the hell sends someone an e-mail asking that?! Get a life! See, I have a full time job and this whole Blog “thing” that I do is … actually, I don’t really know what it is, but whatever it is it’s smooshed into my 5 free minutes between meetings and eating and surfing the Web and reading other people’s blogs so I really don’t have the time to reread my posts a million times and check them for grammar.

However, if you’d like to do it for me, but in a kinder, gentler way than your mean, nasty e-mail, I’d be happy to pay you a quarter. And by the way, bitch, my name ISN’T Emily. And next time, have the balls and the brains to post it as a comment and not send me an e-mail. Because I can post your e-mail address. And I will.

Have a nice day,
E (which does not stand for Emily even though I think it’s a lovely name and kind of wish it was my name)

Female trouble

In case you didn’t know, I’m female. And being a woman I have hormones that tend to race and take over. Usually all is fine with the world, I take The Pill every morning, I happily stay child-free, I don’t have hormonal rage attacks and everyone is safe. Until recently. It hasn’t been pretty.

Usually I get one day a month when I turn into the Bitch From Hell but I know it’s one day, I can keep the beast inside and everyone keeps their limbs. But lately it’s been creeping into a couple of days and now three days where Mothers must keep their children indoors and men don’t look me in the eye for fear of my rage burning thru their retinas.

So off to the Dr. I go. Mainly because I’m a hypochondriac (I could have some Rage Disease) and also because I know it’s hormonal and that, in all likelihood, a new Pill will fix everything. So, back to the Gynecologist where I wait for (only!) an hour reading Parenting Magazine and learn how to breastfeed.

So I finally get in she says, “Oh yeah, it’s hormones. OK, so you’re in your mid-thirties….”

“Uh, NO. I’m in my EARLY thirties.”

“Yeah, right, whatever, keep dreaming. So you’re in your early-thirties. You’re half way to menopause and your hormone levels are shifting. It happens.” Lengthy conversation ensues (Of course what’s repeating over and over and over in my head is the phrase “halfway to menopause.” I have never felt so old before), I get a new pill, told to take a B complex vitamin and I’m on my way.

She mentioned that also a contributing factor to higher hormone levels could be that I’ve never been pregnant before. SO here I am again being penalized for not having reproduced by age 32.

You know it’s bad enough that I’m discriminated against by not being able to park in the good spots by the grocery store because I’m not a car with “small children” but now my hormones are holding it against me too? This sucks.

A boring random story but one that shows how awesome my Mom is

I think that only the women will appreciate this post. However, if you’re male and don’t wear makeup (who am I to judge), try substituting the word “wrench” or “golf ball” in for the word “eyeshadow.” Maybe then you can relate. OR, just don’t bother reading this one….

Here is why I heart my Mom this week:

About 5 years ago while visiting my parents in England where they were living at the time I decided to hit my favorite store, Boots (the English version of CVS but a MILLION TIMES better and with a make-up/soap section ten times bigger). Boots is where, with angels singing in the background, I found the PERFECT eyeshadow combo. Oh yes, there it was, one of Boots’ own brands. I’ve been wearing it everyday since then. In all this time I’ve been on the quest to find the EXACT SAME shades and consistency as the Boots one. I’ve probably spent over $150 at Sephora looking but to no avail. But it never mattered because I still had a lot left.

Then the unthinkable happened (queue dramatic music). A couple of weeks ago in an exhausted scramble to get ready one morning I dropped the eyeshadow from the medicine cabinet onto the marble topped sink counter. NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! But the Eyeshadow Gods were looking down on me and left me a little of each color. I carefully placed it on a DIFFERENT shelf and thought (hey we’re lucky I didn’t say it out loud), “I will now save this for special occasions only.” OR, “until a few days later when I will knock it off its new shelf, there’s nothing left and I actually shed a tear.” FUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!

So, I did what any resourceful young woman would do. I turned to the internet for help. It seems that Boots sells their products ONLINE!!! They have a web page! Sheer joy! Then they took my heart out and threw it on the floor and squashed it like a bug when it said, “shipping to the UK only.” Again, FUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!

BUT, it appears that SOME Target stores (aka my Favoritest Store in the Whole Wide World) apparently carries some of Boots’ make-up lines!!!! See? There really is an Eyeshadow God! But they’re only sold in some states… like Texas…. Hmmmmm… who did I know at that very moment who was in Texas visiting my favorite (only) sister and her daughter? My wonderful Mom. So I called her up.

Me: “Um, hey Mom I need a favor. (insert long story here)..”
Mom: “I'm in it. I’ll call you from the Target”
Me: doing happy dance and being so grateful of how seriously my Mom, who never wears make-up, is taking my request.

The Next Day:

Phone rings.
Mom from inside a Target deep in the heart of Texas: “So they have these trio eyeshadows but the names not the same but the shades are (include a ten minute description of the exact shade. Please keep in mind my Mother is a professional artist – painter – and that woman can seriously DESCRIBE color!).
Me: “OK, so one is kind of whitish, one is a redder brown and the other almost a silvery/bluey brown?
Mom: “Sighh…. Yes.” (please interpret as “I can’t believe this daughter who can not appreciate and verbally describe the intricacies, detail, descriptiveness and level of color is mine.”)
Me: “I think that’s it then!”

Fast forward to Sunday night when I pick them up from the airport. Mom hands me a small package which I eagerly open. Again, the angels start singing, and there it is, softly lit up from the car's light, the perfect eyeshadow combo.

This morning I made a call to my sister. “Yeah, next time you’re at Target I’m going to need you to pick me up EIGHT of those eyeshadows. That should last me the rest of my life including the sacrificing of two to the toilet and/or marble counter Gods.