NOT an Oprah Book Club book any time soon

I see a lot of different people on the train reading a lot of different things. There are people reading the Philadelphia Inquirer, The Wall Street Journal and The New York Times. Then there are the women reading romance novels, the guys reading romance novels and the students reading textbooks. There are doctors reading research papers and tourists reading maps but last night was the best. There was a man sitting next to me in shorts and a Philadelphia Liberty Bell t-shirt and baseball cap and he had a boy of about 5 with him in the exact same outfit. What’s the guy reading? A book titled, “Think Like a Pancreas.” It wasn’t even a med school book, it looked like it came straight from Barnes and Noble.

I just hope it was better than “Think Like a Small Intestine” because I had a hard time getting thru that one.

So you know when...?

Yeah, so you know when you start taking a new Pill with a tad more estrogen in it and you know that estrogen can give you bigger boobs and since you weren’t born with big boobs in the first place and in fact they actually didn’t grow until you were 20 and your older more endowed sister promised that they really would grow one day and so you waited and waited and now you’re 32 and still waiting but nothing happens and so this hope of a new pill is really what you’re resting your current B- cup laurels on/in and pray that estrogen really is the miracle boob grower and that if this works you might just not have to order the “amazing all natural breast enhancer” that you’ve seen advertised in all the nice e-mails that fill up your in box?

Really? You too? How sad that there are two of us out there with lying older siblings.

Pissing me off a little more each day

Hey Lady, yeah you, two doors down from me, see that big wood thing on hinges that you walk thru every morning to get to your desk? Yeah, it’s called a door. Please CLOSE it when you’re taking conference calls on speaker phone, talking to your husband, your children, your clients, or anyone for that matter. (OK, if you're on the phone with your crazy, jealous lover I might want to hear about it but there's no guarantee. I reserve the right to decide later.)

I really don’t give a rat’s ass about you or your life (unless you're having some torrid love affair because I need a little excitement in my life too) and your voice is like nails on a chalkboard. You also speak at ten decibels louder than everyone else. Yes, it’s true, your personal speaking volume actually goes to ELEVEN.

Oh, and if it wasn’t clear, shut the fuck up and shut your door.

Have a nice day!

Half full weekend

So it was rainy and crappy here all weekend and I was ecstatic. We haven’t had rain in over three weeks and so this saved me hours of not watering, not fertilizing and not mowing the damned lawn.

What I did do was cook and sit on my ass watching movies and finally cleaning up the spare bedroom which has been a repository for all things that don’t fit in the rest of the house. On Saturday morning I called the Kimmel Center and ordered tickets for me and Train Guy to see David Sedaris in October and got awesome seats in the TENTH ROW. And then I cleaned the house. Not so happy doing it but thrilled with the result.

On Sunday afternoon while lying on the couch reading a book and half asleep I got a text message. It was Train Guy; “I love you.” Roll your eyes if you want but it makes my heart skip a beat and makes me grin. Then I think dirty thoughts…

Overall a good weekend. Of course now I’m back at work, I think I put on 5 pounds this weekend eating all my cooking, my dress for the wedding in Nantucket in two weeks is a wee bit tight, I now need to have another outfit for the morning after brunch, and to top it all off, I’m also starting to get a bit freaked out about how I will react being on a new pill with a bit more estrogen.

But I see this all as a lovely little experiment. Either I will get bigger boobs and be happy as a clam or I will turn into a raging lunatic, horrify poor Train Guy in front of his whole family, not fit into my outfits and look like a hooker in too-tight clothing.

But you know what? I’m going to be optimistic and just shoot for the bigger boobs. Best to start small.. I mean big.