Hey you, yeah YOU

Yesterday we got yet another e-mail from our HR department. It’s addressed to “CompanynameALL” and lets everyone know that WeightWatchers is offering a discount to company employees and if 15 people sign up they’ll hold meetings at the office. I’m certainly not making fun of that. I think it’s great that not only does the company offer discounts for WeightWatchers but they’re willing to host meetings in a conference room during work hours to make it easier for people.

What DOES make me laugh is that in addition to sending the e-mail to “CompanynameALL” it then adds the name of 3 consultants we have working in the office but that aren’t included in the group listing. So in the To: line it reads, “CompanynameALL” jane.doe@company.com, john.doe@company.com, jack.doe@company.com

Yes, all 400 some company headquarters employees, if you’re overweight please feel free to join and you three singled out people? Yeah, here’s a subtle hint just for you. We thought you looked like maybe you’d had one too many HOLIDAY cookies and since we care we wanted to add a special, little shout out to you hint, hint, hint. Oh yes, and don’t forget to sign up for the Sexual Harassment and Corporate Ethics training classes by February 1st or we’re going to fire your asses. Have a nice day.

Things that really annoy me

When on a perfectly uneventful and QUIET train ride in to work someone sits next to me talking on their cell phone. This morning’s winner was a LOUD woman who gabbed on about which newspaper had the best coupons. When that conversation ended she proceeded to call another friend to talk because she was “bored.”

I daydreamed about ripping the phone out of her hands and throwing it down the aisle. Instead I settled for shooting dirty looks her way which she either never noticed or ignored. I swear SEPTA should have train cars designated to be cell phone free like they have in England.

SPAM... a lot

I know everyone gets SPAM mail. I get a ton everyday. What I really do wonder is not just who opens those e-mails but who actually PURCHASES the products they offer. I want to write to one of these places and ask what their ratio is of items sold to the number of e-mails sent out. Seriously.

And what about target marketing? Why do I get more "Vi*grA!!" ads than "REAL Rolecx WATch!" e-mails? My e-mail address begins with my first name which is a pretty common FEMALE name (for all those of you who thought that my given name was “E” well, SURPRISE!! It’s actually the first letter of my name and a nickname. I’m more anonymous this way because if I wrote I was “Elizabeth from Philadelphia” you’d all say, “Oh HER? Yeah, I know her.” Tricky huh?). Of course these companies, and I use that term loosely, could be hoping that women would see them and say, “Wow, yeah, you know I’ve been thinking that my husband/boyfriend/boy toy, really does need some enlarging. I know, I’ll order a few pills from some random Web source and slip them to him in is beer at night!”

Then there are the alternatives to the Ci-iallis and V-iiaggrra ads. Just this morning I got one offering to help me enlarge my penis. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Nothing can actually enlarge what God has given you!” (or, “she doesn’t have a penis because she is a SHE” but one never knows does one?) but this one says it’s SPECIAL and that it really works. It’s an herbal one. We all know that buying prescription meds from an unknown internet source is dangerous. But an herbal one? Well, that’s got to be safe. It’s all natural!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to tara who sent me an invite for a dirty fling. It would be rude of me not to reply since it was such a lovely invitation. I won’t be able to make it though. I have to wash my hair.

I'm so flattered it hurts

Rebecca (who are you???) just e-mailed me to tell me that she nominated me for the Best of Blog Awards, in the Most Humorous AND Best New Blog categories.

Thank you so much! You have made my year! OK, since we're only a few days into this year I'll throw in this whole month too. Wow, I'm speechless. And that NEVER happens.

I must just have delicate skin

As I was in the shower this morning I noticed I had a huge bruise on my right hip/upper leg region. It’s pretty amazing I noticed it at all since I didn’t have my contacts in and it was dark in the shower (why turn on the light and waste electricity? I pretty much know where everything is and what parts need soap and others shampoo.) I then proceeded to spend the entire time in the shower (all of 6 minutes) wondering how the hell I got this monster sized bruise on my leg.

How could I even get a bruise that size and not remember how? I don’t remember walking into anything. I wasn’t falling down drunk on New Year’s Eve. I don’t think I was sleepwalking. I wasn’t mountain biking and certainly didn’t fall into a pricker bush and have to have a friend pull me out VERY carefully and not watch as I proceeded to pull thorns out of MY ASS for the next 15 minutes while covered in mud (this time).

So how did it get there? It wasn’t there yesterday. How do these things happen? Why do they always seem to happen to me? Did I tell you about the time that I was hiking in Virginia and I got bit by a spider? On my ass? Sigh… only to me…..

Holiday my ass

Am I the ONLY person on the planet whose office is open today?! Isn’t it a fucking LEGAL, NATIONAL holiday for Christ’s sake? Actually, I need to correct that. The SISTER company’s office that I steal space from is CLOSED today. So where am I? Working from home. UGH!

If you need me I’ll be working from the dining room table. I refuse to work in my home office. AND I might not even shower! HAH, take THAT company!

Note: Nine words in all caps = super pissed.

Did you go back to count how many I had in this post? Yeah, it was nine. I may be pissed but I can still count.