The strides we aren't making

OK, so Barbie is finally a doctor, a nurse, an astronaut and a school teacher. It takes Mattel TWO years to “redesign” Ken and get the two lovebirds back together and they come up with this? Kevin Federline Ken. White Trash Ken. Drug Dealing Thug Ken? Where is Doctor Ken, Lawyer Ken, Banker Ken?

They may have given her a brain to go along with her DDs but they apparently forgot to use theirs when making her boyfriend.

with age comes SexualExperience

From oldNsexy.

That’s the SPAM mail subject line of the week. Maybe if I’d have gotten that e-mail earlier I would have used that line on Cute Septa Kid. Maybe then he wouldn't have waited so long to ask me out.

I was actually embarassed to purchase it

Last Saturday while running errands I dropped into the Liquor Store (yes, Pennsylvania is one of those damned states that ONLY sells liquor, wine, etc. in State owned and operated Liquor stores. If you want beer you’ll have to go to a Beer Distributor. They sure do make it difficult to get drunk in your own home around here…) to pick up a bottle of wine for Mr. Zinfandel’s party this Saturday night and to restock my supplies. I picked up a couple of nice Cabernets but I also picked up a bottle of White Zinfandel specially for the host.

White Zinfandel is CHEAP!!! At $6.99 it’s a bargain! Shame it tastes like crap but if Mr. Zinfandel likes it and since he is hosting neighbors AND co-workers, who am I to judge, I can certainly spring for the good stuff: a 2004 Beringer at $7.99. God forbid I embarrass him, or myself, in front of his co-workers and friends - I’ve already embarrassed myself, repeatedly, in front of my neighbors so I don’t care about them.

We’re still trying to figure out what the hell he was thinking mixing the neighbors AND “outside” friends. It’s been stated that you don’t even introduce new dating prospects to the neighborhood; parents first THEN the neighbors. You have to be pretty serious to get a Neighborhood introduction; we’re a tough crowd. What is he thinking?!

Cool Neighbor Chick and I are still trying to figure out the maximum embarrassment we can inflict. The possibilities are endless. And with White Zinfandel being so cheap we can do it all intoxicated. This way we can blame the Zinfandel instead of the weeks of planning and conspiring.

UPDATE: Mr. Zinfandel has informed me that martinis will be served. It’s gonna be ugly, people.

Just a man trying to earn a decent living and a merit badge

As I was plodding away thru mounds of paperwork this morning a jolly, bearded man came skipping down the halls with boxes in his arms. OK, maybe he wasn’t skipping but he was pretty damned jolly. He poked his head in my door and said, “Girl Scout cookies”?

Ahhhhh, yes, it’s that time of year again. It’s Girl Scout Cookie time. (Not to be confused with Peanut Butter Jelly time, but close. To be watched with the sound ON too.) I LOVE Girl Scout cookies. Last year I bought about 8 boxes from a coworker and ate them all within 3 days. This year, I had to say no.

The nice man said, “Are you sure? They go great with coffee.” Buddy, Girl Scout cookies go great with everything. They go great with air. I held my ground, “No, but thank you SO much, really.” I wanted to tell him that I really did want to buy them from him, that I don’t give a rat’s ass about the Girl Scouts but I do care so very, very much about the cookie but that I can’t have sugar and that it was taking every ounce of restraint to not throw my wallet at him, grab the boxes, rip them open (except for the Samosas which aren’t called Samosas anymore, but I think are gross because they’re made with coconut) and devour them.

The self-control I displayed was amazing. I should get a medal. Or at the very least be awarded a box of cookies. Why the hell don’t those Girl Scouts get their asses in gear and make a sugar-free cookie? They make the “low-fat” lemon ones, what about me?!?! I think it’s discrimination. I’m going to go call the ACLU.

**TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES**

Apparently Blogger is having some technical difficulties. My post from Saturday managed to find it's way out into Cyberspace so here it is again:

You too?

So you know when you go out on a Friday night and you’re not supposed to drink alcohol unless you have a really big protein filled meal but you’re in a great place with a great guy and so you order one little, harmless, dirty martini at a martini bar that doesn't turn out to be one martini but 5 because they leave the shaker with you and you don’t eat a lot of food and the alcohol goes straight to your head and so you wind up telling random stories and then you go home with that person and have some wine and talk some more and and then you finally get your ass to bed in a pseudo haze and then wake up at 2 in the morning not with a hangover at all but with hunger pains that almost make you want to eat the sheets off the bed you’re so hungry so you jam your glasses on your face and then stumble down the stairs and wind up making yourself a huge sandwich and eating it at the dining room table while still sort of half asleep and then go back upstairs to bed and wake up at 7 and wonder if you really did make and eat a sandwich at 2 in the morning? Yeah, me too.

Hand licking is not considered a benefit

I was at the dentist again this morning. Nothing serious, just a cleaning, but I love my hygienist. We spent the entire time talking (OK, actually she was talking I was making odd grunting noises resembling words) about our jobs and Miami Ink. She loves it too.

I asked if it was hard working with someone staring back up at you from 6 inches away. She said that wasn’t as bad as trying to make small talk all day. Especially with her older patients since she had nothing in common with them. I told her that at least she had social interactions since I just sit holed up in my office all day staring at a computer screen and/or sitting on conference calls. Then she said that a guy once licked her hand.

Maybe I should be grateful that my only office social interactions come from the bathroom, the mailroom and down at the coffee machine. But I bet she gets free dental.